As a newly single person I feel that it is important to share my most recent experiences with you.
I do appreciate that I have been ‘off the scene’ for a while and probably was never very on it in the first place but despite not looking for any kind of partnership I have encountered some serious blunders in recent weeks. Not my blunders I add. The blunders of men.
The first is pretty standard accept for the total denial of the protagonist. I met someone recently who I was going to ‘date’ [as in going out with the intention of getting laid] but it never really got off the ground. We live some distance apart and so it seemed too complicated given that neither of us was really that keen. Well, he decided to get back in contact recently and I happened to be available so suggested a meet [this time not with any intention] but he had a busy schedule. We missed each other again and I decided that rather than wait up all night I should put it down to fate and go to bed. I also happened to turn my phone to silent [unusual] for me before I finally fell asleep. When I woke I had 16 missed calls, 5 txt messages and 2 answer phone messages from this person. All of them from the time between 02:15 and 02:45. Obviously the man was drunk and his messages proved how utterly incoherent he had been – but this severe flurry of activity seems to have occurred during the time at which he would have been least capable of entertaining me. What makes this perhaps typical oddity even stranger was that he continued to ring me throughout the morning until I finally spoke to him and he accused me of being a “light-weight” and not “up for a laugh”. Have I missed something here?
After this disappointing show my weekend proceeded to get weirder.
I left very early from Devon to drive back to Sussex and stopped in Taunton for some fuel. I pulled up to a pump at 06:22 and proceeded to try and fill the tank – the pump unfortunately was not working and looking around in hope of finding some assistance I noticed a man staring at me from the door of the service station. Now, I want to be quite clear in this description, he was about 40 and was dressed in a dirty, cream linen suit and he was decidedly dishevelled – he looked like a cross between the man from Delmonte and Michael Douglas when he gets out of a coffin in Mexico in The Game.
I asked him in a bit of a stroppy tone “Is there a reason that this pump isn’t working?” thinking 'he probably knows something that I don’t which is why he’s grinning at me'. He replies, in the most disgustingly smooth voice “I don’t know darling but I’d really like to help you” and starts walking towards me.
At this point I get that uncomfortable feeling I get when two ugly people are snogging in public. But just in the nick of time a bloke walks out of the garage and tells me that pump 5 is not working but he’s just about to go so I skip the car over and fill up the tank. Mr Delmonte has backed off a bit and is lurking by the door. As I go in to pay for the petrol he asks me where I’m going and so I tell him I’m going home to Brighton.
As I leave the shop he’s still there and starts walking besides me toward my car.
HIM: “Next time you’re in town why don’t you come up [insert address and postcode!] – I will make you feel very welcome.
ME: Abject horror.
HIM: “I think you’re lovely.”
ME: “It’s too early for this shit.”
Why on God's earth would you give a total stranger your full address and postcode?
Men here is a note worth taking down. There are ways and means and neither of the above examples are acceptable. Must try harder.
